My Unhealthy Relationship

Well, this isn’t easy for me to talk about. Really nothing that I write about has been. But this one has always been a thorn in my side and something that was always difficult for me to deal with. It’s my weight problem.

Now I have always been big. Not tall big, that would just be too easy, but big. I have ranged all different types of big. Ever since I was a child, I have been all different sorts of big. I have been fat. I have been big and strong, but still fat or pudgy. For a brief period I was big and strong and actually built pretty good. But that slipped back to being fat. I have also been fit and a little fat. So as you can see, always a struggle. But I have always been confident in myself for the most part despite my weight struggles. Partially because I have always been strong as an ox so I felt like I had something going for me. And I never allowed it to stop me from doing what I wanted to do. I was always pretty active, played sports and did active things with my friends. 

Now, the real problem here is my relationship with food. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food. When I was a kid, self control with food was always an issue. As I became an adult self control really became an issue with food. Then when I quit smoking self control was pretty much off the table when it came to food. And to be honest I always struggled on my own with this issue. I never felt comfortable talking to people about it. 

Well, as I said in my previous blog I have struggled the past 2 years. With demons, with running, with food. About 16 months ago I was told that I was borderline type 2 diabetic and also had some high liver enzymes. I was told I needed to change the way I ate. And I didn’t disagree. But the difference this time was that I was going to ask for help. So I did, I talked to the doctor about it. I was told “cut out the grains and the fats, don’t cheat and this is how you will need to eat for the rest of your life”. My mind was blown. I didn’t realize it would just be that easy. Don’t eat fats, breads, pastas, etc... and all my problems would be fixed. Holy shit! This guy must be a genius. Now saying this to someone who clearly likes to eat is like saying to a heroin addict, just stop using heroine and you will be fine.

Now I totally agree that what this Doctor said to me carries some truth. But he couldn’t really be so dumb to believe it would really be that easy. And now I know why I never felt comfortable talking to people about these issues. You get a snarky response and they look at you like your a moron. But I figured hey, why not give it a try. So I did, but it was a struggle and I never really got it right. Plus everyone has their own opinions around you on how you should eat when you are diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and they make you aware of those opinions. So I circled this drain for a while, but it was doomed to fail. 

As a result of these ups and down and me finally dealing like I’m getting closer to understanding myself better, I have been researching lifestyle changes I can make (I’m not calling it a diet anymore) to help me on my road to better health. About 3 or 4 months ago I landed on a pescatarian lifestyle. Lots of fruits and vegetables, beans and legumes, and fish. Healthy fats, fiber, nutrient rich food. Now I will talk about this more on another day. I have had my challenges in this transition but have not taken my eye off the long term lifestyle change. And I feel like this is a lifestyle I can maintain and be healthy with. Which is the most important thing. Again, trying to be more self aware and reflective has allowed me to see my issues and come up with a good plan going forward.